


The Secret

by Kaimu



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-03
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 05:16:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/581678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaimu/pseuds/Kaimu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris has a secret... (Considered kind of dark)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kris' POV

It hurts...  
Everything does...

It's always the same...  
I hate this house, I hate this neighbourhood...  
But I hate to move, Again, even more...

I hate being famous...  
I hate the press, I hate the paparazzi..  
The only thing I don't hate about being famous are my fans...  
Their uncondittional love and support...  
They're the ones who keep me going...  
I'll never forget them...

But that's the only thing I don't hate about my life right now...

Why I became so bitter?  
Because of him...  
He's the reason why I move around from town to town...  
No matter where I go, he always seems to find me...  
He messed up my life...  
And still...  
Still it isn't enough...  
He keeps coming back for more...  
I hate him...

He's the reason why I hate my life...

~~

Story 

Kris is still laying in bed but he's not asleep anymore, in fact, he hasn't slept at all...   
He saw him again...  
He showed up at the local coffeeshop where Kris always liked to go after work.  
Why did he always seemed to find him?

He's pulled out of his thoughts by his cellphone ringing...  
He anxiously picked it up and looked at the caller ID...  
Yes, It's not him...

" Hey Adam " Kris said sleepily

" Goodmorning sunshine! Don't tell me you're still in bed?! "

" I am actually... "

" Geez Kris, it's 11.30! Did you forget our appointment with the recordcompany? "

" Shit! " Kris slapped himself on the forehead " I completely forgot about that! "

Adam sighed " Seriously Kris, where are your thoughts lately? "

" You don't want to know..." Kris tried to stop his hand from trembling " Just tell them I'll be right there ok, I'll hurry "

" Ok, will do. I'll see you when you get here "

" Yeah, see you... "

Kris put down his phone, jumped out of bed, ran into the bathroom to take a quick shower and brush his teeth, got dressed, then he left without even having breakfast...

~~

Kris' POV

Yeah, this is how my life goes recently...  
Pretty messed up don't you think?  
I don't sleep, I don't eat, I forget important apointments..

Lucky for me Adam is still around...  
Without him, my life wouldn't be worth living anymore...  
He supports me, makes me laugh,...  
He's just always there for me...

The only problem is...  
He doesn't know...  
He doesn't know my secret...  
The secret I hate so much...  
The secret I can't tell him...

If only I could tell him...  
But I can't...

He's the only person in the world who could help me...  
But he's also the person I don't want to loose...

He is gonna hurt Adam if I tell him...  
And I don't want that...

It's my problem and I have to deal with it myself...  
Even if it might kill me one day...


	2. Chapter 2

  
When Kris finally showed up at the recordcompany, Adam was already pacing around nervously in front of the door of the room where the meeting would be. When he saw Kris, he smiled and opened his arms

" Finally! I thought something had happened to you! "

Kris walked into the larger man's arms and burried his head in his shoulder for a minute. No matter how hard life could get, being in Adam's arms always felt comforting and made him believe there was still something good in this world to live for

" I'm sorry, got stuck in traffic "

" Why didn't you call me? "

" Oh, so you could hop on your plane and save me? "

Adam laughed " I sadly don't own a private plane, but atleast I would know where you were "

Kris smiled back " You should by yourself a private plane and a robot, with a camera in it, that could follow me around so you'd know where I am all the time. I would have to make sure it doesn't follow me into the bathroom though "

Adam bend forward and held on to his stomach from laughing so hard " Yeah, I think that's a good idea. But I'll let let the robot carry a little flying camera that can sneak through a keyhole too, so you wouldn't be save in the bathroom either! "

Kris snorted " You freaking pervert! " then he looked at the door of the meetingroom and sighed " I think we better get in there before they kill us"

" Yeah " Adam sighed too " We probably should get in... "

" Do you know why they want to talk with both of us at the same time?"

Adam shrugged " I don't have a clue. But we'll hear it when we get inside" he opened the door " After you" he said with a small bow

" Why thank you sir! " Kris smiled and petted Adam's hair as he walked through the door

~~

The recordcompany asked them if they would like to go on tour together, Adam was basically jumping out of his chair of surprise and excitement while Kris just stared at them, almost frightened

" Is that a good idea? I mean... " he shrugged and played with his shirt uncomfortably " Me and Adam are such different type of artists... "

" But we already did a tour together Kris! " Adam said a little taken aback by Kris' lack of excitement " Remember the ' Ryan Seacrest Rock Tour'? It will be like that all over again, except without Allison this time"

" Yes I know, but... "

" You can still think about it " someone of the company interrupted

" What's there to think about? I'm in! " Adam exclaimed happily

" I still need to think about it... " Kris said shyly, trying not to look at Adam

Adam was looking a little worried at Kris...

_What the hell is wrong with him?  
Normally he would be just as excited as I am!  
But now...  
There's really something bothering him...  
And I'm going to try and figure out what it is!_

_~~_

__The company let them go after that, Kris hurried out of the room to try and get away as fast as he could, but Adam was faster than him and was walking beside him in no time

" Wow, hold your horses, I mean, legs... Why are you going so fast? Trying to run away from me? " he frowned a little " You know I can just track you down with my robot and jump on my plane to get to you "

Kris smiled weakly and slowed down a little " I'm sorry, but I really need to go... I'm going to look at some houses"

" Houses? " Adam looked questioningly " Are you moving again? "

" Yeah, this house I'm living in now is not good for me "

" Hmm " Adam replied thoughtfully " You're quite picky on chosing the right house for you, aren't you? " he said teasingly

" What if I am? I'm just trying to get my life back, and finding a good house is a start " Kris bit back angrily

" Wow, Kris... " Adam cautiously placed his hand on Kris' arm " I'm sorry... I didn't mean to-"

" It's ok " Kris interrupted " Let's talk about something else "

" Like, why you're hesitating on going on tour with me? " Adam pryed

Kris stopped walking and looked straight at Adam " Look Adam, I- " he suddenly got dizzy and fell forwards, Adam quickly opened his arms to catch him

"  Kris? What's wrong?" Adam asked concerned, holding Kris tightly against him

" Nothing " Kris tried to back away a little but Adam wouldn't let go " I just didn't eat breakfast this morning "

Adam let go of him and when Kris was standing upright again, he scanned him up and down, damn, he looked skinny... " Yeah, you seem to have lost weight... Are you sure you're eating enough?" 

" I might forget to eat breakfast sometimes... But I'm busy, it's easy to forget" it was a lie, he didn't forget it, he just didn't eat

Adam still looked concerned " How about we're gonna go and grab some breakfast/lunch now? " he saw Kris hesitating so he added " Let's say... At Chick-Fil-A? "

Kris' mouth crooked up into a smile " Really? "

Adam smiled back " Sure! You up for it? "

" For Chick-Fil-A? Always!" 

" Let's go then! " 

Adam draped his arm over Kris' shoulder, both smiling brightly, they walked up to Chick-Fil-A 

~~  
 ****  
Adam's POV

 _I sometimes wonder what's going on in Kris' mind..._  
One moment he's happy and careless...  
The other moment he's angry and it almost looks like he's gonna crash...  
There's really something wrong with him...

He looked so skinny...  
He says he sometimes forgets to eat breakfast...  
But is that the only thing he forgets?  
How about lunch and dinner...  
Does he even eat at all?

If only he would talk to me...  
We used to talk about everything!  
He knows he can still tell me anything...   
I'll always be there for him...

I know everything changed a few months ago...  
Since that 'accident' happened, he changed...  
He still thinks about it every day...  
Well, he tries to hide it, but I know him too well...

We don't talk about it...  
But I know it still bothers him...

When he's ready, I want him to talk to me about it...  
Then, and only then, I will be able to help him...  
Or at least I could try...

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Kris' POV

I'm sitting in a restaurant with Adam. He went househunting with me and now we're taking a little break.  
I still haven't found a house that I like...  
Well it's not only the house that's so hard to choose, it's everything else too...  
I don't want to live in the middle of town, but I don't want to be too far away from it either.  
I think Adam is getting a little desperate...  
He's sweet and puts up with all my comments about the houses, but I know he thinks I'm just trying to find excuses to not buy one.  
I have to though... I can't stay in my old place, I just can't...  
I wish I could find a place where he wouldn't find me...  
I wonder if such a place exists?

The waitress brings our sandwiches and I cut mine in half   
The knife is so sharp...  
If only I could cut my wrists with it...   
It would all be over...  
Fast and easy...  
All the pain and heartache would be over...  
My secret would be taken to my grave..  
.  
Then...  
Adam holds out his hand and asks if he could use my knife   
"I thought she gave you one too?" I say and he shrugs  
"She must have forgotten it" he says and I know it's a lie...  
I know he's hiding his knife behind his plate...  
He must have noticed something...  
He must have seen me staring at my knife...  
I smile shyly and hand over my knife  
He gives me a little wink, cuts his sandwich in half and lays the knife down next to his plate, out of my reach...  
"Wanna switch halves? " he asks  
I nod and give him one part of my sandwich, he gives me one part of his in return  
We don't say anything anymore....   
We just eat...

~~

Story

Kris and Adam were sitting in a restaurant, eating their sandwiches quietly  
Until Adam broke the silence

" You know Kris, if you don't find a house, you could still come live with me... "

 

Kris almost choked in his drink, Adam waited 'til he was done with coughing and explained himself

" I don't mean anything with that... I'm just saying, that maybe you could feel at home at my place and you don't have to pay for a new house.We have been living together for over a year on Idol so... It's not like we're strangers or something... " he took a bite out of his sandwich " Besides, we won't be seeing each other a lot, we're both too busy with our singing careers "

Kris thought about it for a minute, he sighed " I can't Adam... As much as I would like that, I just can't... I don't want to be a burden to you "

" Kris... " Adam reached out and lay his hand down on Kris' hand, he felt him tense up and slowly stroked it with his thumb " You won't be a burden. And like I've said, we won't be seeing each other much... I'm just offering you a place to stay, that's all " 

Kris smiled sadly and pulled his hand back from under Adam's " I can't Adam... I'm sorry... It's sweet and all, but, I can't stay with you... "

Adam looked intently at Kris, what the hell is going on with him? 

" Just think about it okay? You can still change your mind and my door will always be open for you... "

" I know Adam, thank you...But I don't think I will change my mind... " 

" Well, in case you do... " Adam rumbled in his bag for a minute " Here, take this " he held out a spare key to his house 

Kris looked surprised at the key in Adam's hand " I, I can't take that Adam... "

" Sure you can! " Adam said stubbornly " Just take it and put it in your bag "

Kris smiled, for the first time it felt genuine, and took the key from Adam's hand 

Adam beamed at Kris " There you go! You can use it anytime you want, just leave a note or something when you did, and text me when you decide to stay "

Kris nodded and put the key in his bag, he didn't know if he would ever use it, but hey, atleast he had a place to go to when he couldn't stay at his own house any longer.  
Kris never needed words to make Adam understand how he felt, one look at him and he knew enough...  
That's how their relationship was...  
Best friends who knew absolutely everything about each other

Well, Almost everything...  
Adam doesn't know one thing that's going on in Kris' life...  
Maybe one day, Kris would be able to tell him...  
Maybe one day, everything would be ok...

~~

Adam's POV

I still wonder what's going on in Kris' mind...  
The way he was looking at his knife after he cut his sandwich...  
I know what he was thinking about, but I won't let him do it...  
I really won't!  
Does he even know how much I would miss him if he was gone?  
I'm gonna do everything I can to pull him through this... Whatever 'this' is

When I said he could come live with me, he acted really strange...  
It was almost like he was scared..  
But why would he be scared of me?   
He knows I could never hurt him or do anything to him that would scare him  
Sure, I'm good at teasing him...  
But I never mean to hurt...  
He knows that, I know he does

Oh well, at least he took the spare key of my house...  
I wonder if he's ever gonna use it...  
I really hope he does...


	4. Chapter 4

Kris POV

I'm back home from the house hunt. It's been a real nice day....  
Although I didn't find a house, I had fun with Adam and that's all that matters...  
When I walk in to my living room I freeze at the door  
There he is, standing by the window, smiling at me...  
Jack...  
" Hey Kris, had a nice day? " he asks with that stupid smirk of his  
I shrug " Kind of "  
" What did you do? "   
I know that he knows what I was doing, so why does he even ask?  
" Nothing special... "  
"Liar" he still smiles but his eyes spit fire " You went looking for a new house, I know you were "  
" Why do you even ask, when you already know..."   
I don't know how it happened but suddenly I'm smacked against the wall and I feel myself sliding down to the floor...  
" Don't you dare speak to me like that! " he growls as he moves closer to me " I, who've always loved and respected you, deserve some respect back"  
" I respect you Jack, you know I do " I wish my voice would stop shaking  
" But you don't love me..." the look in his eyes soften, he looks almost sad now...  
"No..." I almost whisper " You know I can't love you... I can't love two men at the same time, I just can't..."  
" Then why don't you just love me, and forget about him "  
" Jack, please... " I know it sounds like I'm begging, but I don't really care right now " You know I never really loved you... It's always been him...Always... "  
" I still don't know who that person is " the angry look comes back on Jack's face " Why won't you just tell me who it is?"   
" I don't want you to hurt him "  
" What if I told you that I wouldn't hurt him "  
" Jack... " I look intently at him " You're too possesive, you've always been. I know you would want to hurt him, even now... "  
" Oh Kris... I'm not possesive, I just love you too fucking much "  
" You should stop that Jack, stop loving me... It's too late... And even if it wasn't, I could never love you in the same way that you love me... "  
" Kris... "  
" I want you to go Jack "  
" You know I'll always find you again, even if you did buy another house "  
" JUST GO! Get out! I don't want you here... Please.... Leave me alone... "   
I put my head on my arms and start crying, I just can't hold those tears back any longer   
When I look back up again, I see that he's gone...  
I didn't even hear him open or close the door...  
But I know for sure that he's gone...

~~

Story

Kris picked up his phone the next morning and called the all too familiar number

" Miss me already? " Adam's voice came from the other side of the line and Kris could hear the smile in it

" Adam... I made a decission "

" Oh? " Adam asked curiously

" I want to go on tour with you "

" Really?!" Adam couldn't hide his excitement " Oh Kris, that's great! What or who made you make that decission? "

" I did it myself, and I have my reasons... "

" Well I'm really glad you made the right decission! Did you tell the company yet?"

" No, I didn't... I thought we could do it together, maybe... "

" Great idea! Call them to make an appointment, let me know when it is, and I'll see you there then "

" Ok, bye Adam, see you... "

" Bye Kris, and by the way... You really made me happy now "

Kris smiled as he put his phone down. He knew this was the right decission to make...  
On tour they would travel from town to town, so it would make it harder for Jack to find him...  
And, most of all, he would be on tour with Adam again...  
And this time, they would be alone...  
No other idols, just the two of them together...

~~

A few hours later, Adam and Kris met each other at the studio. Adam hugged Kris tightly and told him, again, how happy he was that he wanted to go on tour with him. Kris smiled and told him that he had been stupid to didn't say yes at the beginning.   
When they told their bosses that they wanted to do the tour, one of them turned to Kris, looking concerned at him

" Are you sure you want to do this Kris? We just asked you two days ago, and you clearly had your doubts about it... What made you change your mind in such short notice? "

" I'm very sure about this. I know I had my doubts, but I thought about it and I should have said yes back then, so I do it now... I say yes to the tour "

The guy still looked concerned at Kris " Kris, we know you had it rough the last couple of months... It's okay if you don't wanna do this now. It looks to me like you're still not over what happened back then, and this tour might do you good, but it could also be bad... Are you really sure you're ready for this?'Cause I think you're not..."

" I...I... " Kris was shaking a little in his chair 

" Enough!" Adam stood up from his chair and lay a soothing hand on Kris' shoulder " If Kris says he wants to do this, then you should just let him do this. Who are you to judge him? Who are you to tell him if he's ready for this or not? " he was furious, waving his free hand in the air as he spoke

The guy looked taken aback and angry at Adam " I'm one of his bosses, Adam. And I'm your boss too, so I would like you to watch your language. Remember who you're talking to here... "

Adam snorted " Oh, I remember who I'm talking to... But you should remember to who you're talking to too, 'cause I'm one of your best-selling artists and there are a lot of other companies interested in me " the guy glared at Adam but he didn't care, he just continued " And I'm 'this' close to saying no to the tour, and if I say no, then there is no tour 'cause the two of us would have to agree, and if one of us doesn't, the deal's off. So, you better don't say stuff that upsets Kris anymore, or I say no, the deal's off, and I will find another recordcompany "

The guy looked wide eyed at Adam but didn't say anything anymore. A woman, the only female boss of Adam and Kris, took over

" Calm down Adam, we're just worried about Kris. But, if he thinks he's ready for this, then who are we to hold him back? We'll settle dates and places for the tour and we'l let you know, okay? " she looked over at Adam and Kris who both nodded, the lady smiled " Alright then, you're good to go "

Kris stood up too and he and Adam shook hands with their bosses. The guy who had confronted Kris didn't meet Adam's eyes as he shook his hand, Adam didn't care though, he just did what he had to do.   
When they were outside the door, Kris turned to Adam

" Thank you for standing up for me, but you really didn't have to do that... "

" Kris " Adam interrupted " That guy was really being a jerk to you and I couldn't stand it any longer. I'm not gonna let them bring you down in front of me, I just won't. If you're not capable of saying anything back, then I will say something in your place "

" Adam... " Kris was still shaking a little and Adam noticed

" Hey, are you ok? " Adam asked concerned

" Yeah, I'm fine... " Kris said while trying to keep his shaking hands under control

Adam lifted Kris' chin up to look into his eyes " No, you're not. Come here... " he pulled Kris against his chest

They stood there a few minutes before Adam pulled away and grabbed Kris' hand

" Come on, I'll give you a ride home. You can pick up your car later"

Kris nodded and let Adam lead him out of the studio.   
Adam didn't let go of Kris' hand the whole walk to his car...  
He just wanted him to know that he was there for him now...  
And that he always would be...  
No matter when, no matter how...  
He would be there...


	5. Chapter 5

Adam's POV

So we're on the second to last day of the tour and everything is going great!  
Kris is finding his old-self again, and is actually enjoying himself  
You see, it WAS a good idea for him to go out on tour with me  
He's smiling, he's joking, he's fooling around,...  
Like I said, he's back to the old Kris  
And I can't help but to feel lots and lots of respect for that  
I'm just happy he's Kris again...  
The cool laid-back guy that I used to know  
Not that stressy person he became a few months ago

We're sitting in our dressing room after the show and we hear a knock on the door  
" Come in! " we say in unison  
We look at each other and laugh  
God, have I Missed that laugh...

When I see who comes through the door, I jump up from my chair and run to him  
"Tommy!" I scream happily " What the hell are You doing here?"  
Tommy laughs and hugs me  
" They asked me to play the bass on your last show"  
"They did? That's amazing!"   
I look over at Kris and he's smiling, but I can see that it's not a really happy smile  
Tommy lets go of me and walks up to Kris, pulling him into a hug too  
I see Kris looking at me a little confused and I wink at him  
He smiles and pets Tommy's back  
They pull away and Tommy looks from me to Kris and back again  
" So, are you guys ready for a night out?" Tommy asks " I really feel like dancing tonight "  
" I'm in! " I say immediately and look over at Kris " What about you, Kris? Wanna go out with us tonight? "  
I see him hesitate for a minute before he answers  
" No, I uh... I'm too tired to go out, and with our last show tomorrow and all... I'm gonna go to bed early today"  
" Are you sure?" I ask and he nods  
" I'm sure, you two go and have fun tonight "  
" Alright then, it's your loss Kris... " Tommy says and before I can say anything else to Kris, Tommy grabs my hand and drags me out of the dressing room  
Before the door closes behind me, I look over my shoulder and see the sad look on Kris' face  
It's almost like it hurts him to see me go out with Tommy...  
But it can't be that...  
It just can't...

~~

Story 

Adam and Tommy went to a club and set themselves down at the bar. Adam was still thinking about Kris...   
Why did he look so sad? He doesn't have a reason to be jealous or something... He's still my best friend! Tommy is... Well, Tommy is Tommy... Someone who I can have fun with, a friend with benefits...

Tommy saw Adam sulking and called the bartender

" Give this guy a drink, with lots of alcohol in it. He needs it " 

Adam raised his eyebrow at Tommy

" What? " Tommy asked " I don't want you to be sulking all evening... We're out to have some fun! "

Adam smiled weakly when the bartender gave him a drink, he took a sip from it and it tasted really good, so he took another one, and another one... He drank until his glass was empty

Tommy smiled " That's my boy! " He called the bartender again and let him fill another glass

After half an hour Adam and Tommy were both drunk as hell. Tommy was hanging around Adam's neck and Adam just couldn't stop giggling. It was quite embarassing, but they didn't care... They were finally having fun!   
Suddenly " For Your Entertainment " began to play and Tommy grabbed Adam's hand and pulled him on the little stage in the middle of the dancefloor . Tommy wanted to get off the stage again, but Adam held him there. He swirled around him like he was his prey, tugged on his hair and leaned against him like he always did on stage. Meanwhile he was mouthing the words of his song, he just couldn't help it...  
When the song was over Adam pulled Tommy against his chest and kissed him, the kiss was rough and the only thing he could taste was the alcohol. When he pulled away and looked at Tommy, it wasn't Tommy's face he saw...   
He shook his head furiously  
It must be the alcohol, Adam thought... He couldn't be thinking about kissing his best friend now, could he? That was just ridiculous! It must be the alcohol...   
He kissed Tommy one more time and when he pulled away, he was almost afraid to look...  
Yes... It's Tommy. It really was the alcohol that made me think like that...

Tommy smiled and started kissing Adam again.  
Yes, he was drunk... They both were.  
But Tommy wanted to enjoy himself, and this, kissing Adam, was Very enjoyable...

~~

Kris' POV

When Adam is out with Tommy, I can't help but feeling lonely...  
I know what he and Tommy do when they're together...   
It hurts...  
But I know it's only fair...  
I don't have the right to be jealous  
I mean, Adam has showed me enough in the past what I meant to him...  
But I never gave him a chance...  
I never gave 'us' a chance...  
I didn't want to lose our friendship...  
God, why was I so stupid?

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I see someone stare at me in the mirror in front of me  
I turn around and see Jack smirking at me...  
" Hello Kristopher" he says and I shiver  
" Jack, what are you doing here?" My voice is shaking again and I hate it  
" I told you I would find you anywhere... " He steps closer to me and I can see the anger flare up in his eyes " I found out something..."  
" What did you find out? " I ask, but I'm afraid I already know the answer  
" I know who you love.... "  
" It's... It's not who you think it is! "  
Jack laughs and I back away as far as I can " I've seen how you look at him Kris... I know that look... "  
" Jack please, don't do anything to him... " I'm begging again, god damn it...Why am I so weak?  
" I won't... " Jack smirks " If you tell him you never want to see him again "  
" What? " I look shocked at him, he can't be serious?  
" Tomorrow, after your last show, you'll tell him you don't want to see him again. Not ever. "  
" I...I can't Jack... Please, don't make me do that "  
" You'll have to. Or I will interrupt and you know what that means... "   
" Jack, no, please... "   
Jack laughs again and it sounds almost insane  
" You'll do as I say Kris, or you'll have to deal with the consequences... "   
" Please, I don't want to do this... "  
" Bye Kris, you know what you'll have to do... "  
And in a blink of an eye he's gone again...

I drag myself to a corner and slide down to the floor...  
I bend my knees and wrap my arms around them, then I bury my head inside my arms...  
Tears are streaming down my face...  
Why is this happening?  
Why have I been such a fool...  
Tomorrow will be the worst day of my life  
And it's all my own fault...


End file.
